PlazaJen: Passion Knit

I have noticed, in the few flashbulb "pop" moments when I actually take the time to observe myself, that I tend to shy away from being alone in public. Not so much with the shopping, that I tend to do like a pro, and it's much easier (and less embarassing) to run with an arm outstretched, knocking down lollygaggers at CostCo, by myself. However, I took myself to lunch today, along with my book, and I'm always surprised by how much - and how rarely - I go out to eat by myself. Maybe twice in the past year. I tend to do take-out, and sit at my desk, or on the couch at home, with my friends Internet or Telebision keeping me company & entertained.

It got me to thinking today, just how much more I went out by myself when I was in my 20's. Probably part of it was hoping that if I went to Muddy's coffeehouse frequently enough, perhaps Tommy Lee Jones would wander in and find himself inextricably drawn to the bookish, yet undeniably captivating, chubby girl in the corner. I also look back on the things I did alone and marvel that I didn't get snapped up by a serial killer - though fat people are seriously MUCH harder to kidnap and drag into cars. I think my alone-ness un-doing happened when I lived in St. Louis, because most of that time I spent there was alone, ALL THE TIME. I went out with people from work, yeah, and had parties, but when I think about my life when I lived there, I think of how alone, and lonely, I was. Part of it was being depressed, but part of it was a function of that city, and it's social structure - they're big on being from there, and what high school you attended, and it's really got a lot to offer as a city? Including like, a totally wacked out murder rate now, but that aside, it's got wonderful food and museums and the zoo, and yes, even the people can be nice, but they don't want to EMBRACE you, the way we do here in Kansas City. People here want to bear hug you like your drunken uncle at Christmas.

All of that aside, sometimes it's dangerous to leave me alone. For instance, last night, I began to believe that the house was going to blow up, from the gas line. Now, there wasn't any evidence there was a gas leak or anything, but we did have some strange noises and rumbles and whumping, and really, in the end, all I could conclude was: Gas Line. Polly didn't help by looking all alert and worried. And then there was the time my parents went out to dinner, and I was bored, so I gave myself a perm. Yep! (That was awful. Really bad results. I do not ever recommend home perming, and without another pair of hands to roll those curlers on the back of your head, I can guarantee you: Dreadful.) But I think I do like going to a restaurant, taking a book and sitting down & having people fill my water glass & bring me food. You become kind of invisible, as I could hear the murmurs and conversations around me. But it's a comfortable kind of invisible, not the kind I lived in St. Louis. I could have sat there all afternoon.....