PlazaJen: Passion Knit

Friday, July 20, 2007

Denial. Or, Denail. On DeHead. Desomethin'.

Part of me wants to make a two-column list, one for the good things in my brain right now, and one for all the negative, draining, and otherwise, generally unhappy things in my brain. That part of me got voted down, because really? I don't want to think about the things that are upsetting, depressing, sad, painful, irritating, angering, eroding, etc. I might as well go watch a documentary film on the clubbing of baby seals whilst drinking absinthe.

I bring all this up because even though I've always had a history of not facing things, or avoiding, or procrastinating, or denying, I always still wanted the harsh confrontation, the cataloging of details, the list, so I could always pull it back out and look at it, stoking the fires anew, pounding my head in the sand. And yesterday, I told my husband, "I don't want to know." (Not about anything between us. Just stuff going on with my dad's estate.) I just don't. The more I know and the more I involve myself in certain situations, the more unhappy I will be. At some point, I may change my mind, but there was a certain satisfaction in shutting the door on the messy guest room of my mind and saying, "Not right now."

Or, to borrow from Dwight in The Office: (waving hand upwards to shield a line of vision from one side of my head) "Shun."

I will not UnShun until I am ready. I'm glad it's Friday. The Shun'll come ooooout tomorrow...... (ok, sorry. But I am kinda Li'l Orphan Jen now.)


posted by PlazaJen, 1:55 PM