PlazaJen: Passion Knit

....well, maybe not exactly points of light, but this does mark my 1,000'th Blogger post. Probably why I didn't post yesterday, because I was feeling like this post should be a little more pithy than pissy.

A couple weekends ago, emotions were high and the seas were turbulent. At the time, I hated it, but I like some of the things that came from it, particularly my mental short list that seemed to have gotten lost at sea quite some time ago. That short list is the Priority List. No matter what you put on yours, we should always have the same thing in #1.
#1. Me
#2. My marriage
#3,#4, & #5: Job, Friends, Dogs (with movement among those numbers, depending on circumstances)
#6. All the rest of it.

I don't even have #6 on my mental list. My point is that as awkward as it seems, putting me first has got to be the governing principle of my life. What makes it feel awkward is that I always joke about being selfish and self-centered and being an only child and not sharing, but the truth is that even though I want what I want (and I want it now), I can easily become paralyzed by the wants/needs/wishes/judgement of others. And when you're swimming in a big unfamiliar sea of grief, being paralyzed doesn't help you swim. It helps you sink. (And I'm seriously not referencing Grey's Anatomy here AT ALL, though I see there are some parallels. My anguish and realizations came before those aired.)

I know I used the jungle/forest metaphor the other day, and now I'm mixing it up with a big ocean visual. Right now, I want to get to that point where you drag your tired body up on the beach and look back at what you survived and marvel that you did, indeed, make it. For the first time in quite some time, I feel my will to live has been re-energized. I tell you this because I do think it's normal to lose it (it being many things - joy, will to live, sight of what's important, a longer view, your priorities), and it takes a sizable chunk of time to sort it all out. I've stopped crying all the time - I realized this morning I would cry in the car, every day, on my way to work. It's been weeks since I cried, but today I got the little pinpricking of tears in my eyes, as a line from a song floated into recognition in my brain. I share it with you, because it fits so well with this stage of my life. The song overall is not as applicable, which made it even more surprising to have the words hit me so hard.

We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
--from "All at Once" by The Fray


Thanks for reading, and commenting, and your personal e-mails. I write this blog for my own therapy, and my desire to entertain and write creatively, and sometimes, hopefully, even articulately. Knowing someone else reads these words makes me work harder to make them worthwhile. Things are looking up. So am I.

Labels: grief, life