PlazaJen: Passion Knit

I excerpted this from an email I wrote a friend who recently lost a parent. I realize it's somewhat overwhelming to read - but so is grief, in the early stages. I'm still finding and defining my own path, and even when I'm further from the center, and the path has been longer, it will always be the path that's under my feet. It never leaves us.

.....The thing is, I know it takes time. Everyone who's gone through it says it, consistently, so my logic says, ok, they might be right. But it doesn't help the current moment, when it feels like someone's ripped all the skin off your chest to scrabble at your heart, and when your brain feels like it's been put through the blender and then being whipped into a froth with all the things that rush through our minds. Mine just clicked right back on to "puree" with the latest stuff. But I'm at least getting better at controlling that, being firm with myself and telling myself to STOP. (You're not at that point. Keep weeping.) I'm just so sorry. All those horrid emotions and they just always feel like vomit to me, but I can't ever be RID of them.

I feel sometimes like this is a goddamn bitch of a journey, where you get picked up by the hand of "God" who sort of clenches you in a big giant crushing fist, and drops you into the middle of the darkest forest. And even though you're injured and bleeding and crippled, you have to find the path, and then try to travel on the path, and there are people who show up from time to time, and help you, but YOU have to walk it, even if both your ankles are broken and you're blinded from having your face squeezed so hard. It does help knowing there are other people on this path, and sometimes you resent them because they didn't have (to deal with) who inherited everything, or because they had years and years to prepare for this journey, and yet, even if it's not as bad, or big, or just obvious, everyone here's injured. Everyone's struggling in their own way, and the path is not level, it is not safe, it is not anything you'd expect from such a WELL-TRAVELED path! I feel, in my gigantic mental metaphor, that I am not that far from the center of the forest, and I hear you, and I am so sad that you, too, got picked up and dropped in here, and part of me is grateful for the company, and then sometimes part of me looks at (a friend who went through something similar), because she appears once in a while, and reminds me that I can get beyond the spot I'm standing on today. Even if my leg's broken. Yet again, another thing that heals broken bones is time, too. I don't know if any of this helps, but it's the first time I've ever articulated my deep-in-the-forest vision, and I hope it makes some semblance of sense. And even with my gimp-ass state, I can help you, and listen, to do whatever I can. In my mind's eye, we never get out of the forest? But it's supposed to get more dappled. More sunshine and open clearings.

(edited for clarity/anonymity of referenced people.) And thanks to all of you who keep helping me on this path. My biggest internal struggle is just wanting to run away from it, to get OFF it, and that leads nowhere good. Everyone's journey is different. I'm trying to head towards where I think the sunshine is....

Labels: grief