PlazaJen: Passion Knit

Two days ago, I made sure I stayed home between 2 & 5 pm, to meet the cable guy. With the HD TV and the HD cable box, all the regular channels look like they are being filmed off a TV in Alaska, during the middle of a snowstorm. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but still, the clarity on the regular channels suck. First Tech Dude determines there is a problem with the signal on the main line. Little pinholes let water in, the line goes to hell, or a rogue gang of squirrels has chewed it up. Second Tech Dude will come tomorrow. I stay home. STD (god, isn't this indicative of how things are going) shows up and says FTD (where the fuck are my flowers?) should have installed an amplifier (for my rock band) because the signal at the house is just fine (15) but at the cable box, not so good. (-5). We are losing 20, and the amplifier should fix it. Someone will come out tomorrow (meaning today) between 2 & 5. So I bust my lovely lady lumps to Target first thing in the morning, score an amazing deal on some holiday dinnerware & charger plates (75% off! $15 for 8 plates & 8 chargers!), get back home and there's a blinking light. A message. From Third Tech Dude, who was told to install an amplifier on the OUTSIDE of the house, and he cheerfully tells me I don't need one, cuz the signal's 15.

This is when I go blind. I call up Time Warner and explain how I was told this afternoon, how I have had to accommodate two techs already, and someone is coming back to my house TODAY. She puts me on hold, and then disconnects me.
Did you know I can leave the earth like a rocket ship? Even if I'm already blinded. I shot through the ceiling, through the roof, went to the sun and it hid behind a cloud out of fear. You think the SUN gets hot? Sweet cheeks, was I pissed. I call back, and go through their punchity-punch-punch punch mother humping menu at lightening speed and get an new CSR (Cretin-Suck-ass Representative). She puts me on hold for the lifetime of a fucking cicada, and then comes back on to tell me this has to go to a supervisor level and he will call me back. I levitate off the ground, but stay within cell phone range. I explain I will wait. She cannot put me on hold for him. I express my need that he call be back before noon. Oh, did I mention JWo had the misfortune to call in the midst of this? I don't think I needed a phone to tell him what was going on, he could have just rolled down his truck window and listened like the RCA dog.

Anyway, then I sulk and stew and steam and spew and scrunch up my face in irritation for two hours. Noon comes and goes. At 1:00, I call back. Now, I'm using my very calm, very angry voice. Everything I touch, crackles as it freezes immediately and shatters. I explain this is my third call, and we are heading towards a fourth day I have spent on my vacation accommodating their technicians. She puts me on hold. For 20 minutes. I concentrate on rotating the coconut-sized ball of fire that is sitting in my stomach. I mist it with gasoline, focusing on creating blue arcs of light. Finally, a man comes on the line. Presumably the supervisor. I re-explain everything, the light tinkling of ice shards falling all around me as the air now freezes from my voice. For the first time, I get an apology, instead of an accusation for not being home this morning. Eventually, we have resolution. Not perfect, but they are coming Thursday evening, and he waived the charges. Oh, there's the white hot arcing again. Charges? STD told me the amplifier was no charge. Oh, no. They're $45. Plus $15 to plug them in. My eyes are narrowed and irritation sloughs off my skin like dry skin getting loofahed in the shower. Then, the final olive branch: the last two weeks credited to my account. I finally reach contrite, but I know one thing: the charges WILL appear on my bill, and I WILL have to call back to get all my credits applied to my account. But when that time comes? I have this person's ID number. And a big arcing ball of fire.