PlazaJen: Passion Knit

Saturday, November 26, 2005

How To Install Your New Under Counter CD/Clock Radio: A Guide

Unpack materials. Neatly stack non-recyclable parts of packing into one pile. Note one's precision and feel smug. Find instructions. Read them, carefully & diligently.

Cut out template for drilling holes; ascertain you DO have an overhang style cabinet, tape template into cleaned out shelf.

Discover drill will not fit in shelf. Plan B. Tape template to underside of cabinet.

Attempt to tape template.

Attempt taping over and over again, for it seems there is a special non-tape-adhering style paint that has been applied and enjoy squishing your face underneath the cabinet. Despite the fact the template is hanging on by a thread, drill first hole. Template falls off.

Now, template must not only be taped up, but must match first hole.

Find bamboo skewer in drawer. Put through hole, tape into place on shelf surface, which does not posess the teflon quality paint finish as the underside.

Put template back in place, apply more tape & hastily mark holes with a brown sharpie.

Commence with the drilling.

Drilling sucks.

Scream at the dog to return to her pillow.

Get all four holes drilled, finally.

Locate correct size spacers to accommodate depth of overhang. Realize one is not a Hindu deity, and recognize at this point in the installation, it has become a job requiring approximately six hands. Extra hands are not included. Illustration neglects to show any hands at all. Burn hole in instructions with eyes.

Attempt to grow four more hands by staring hard at the tequila bottle on the counter. Fail.

Say a prayer to your other favorite goddess, Necessity, and assemble the following into a tower: One oval Calphalon roasting pan, One large can of Kirkland brand Columbian coffee, One Fanny Farmer cookbook, One dilapidated Moosewood Restaurant cookbook, and One box of Betty Crocker SuperMoist yellow cake mix. Set undercounter CD/Radio/Clock on top of this pile, discover box of yellow cake mix makes the pile too high, and position radio under drilled holes.

Discover one hole ain't right.

Attempt to fix without drilling fourteen new holes. Or moving the Tower of Radio. Fail.

Lose temper. Consider drinking tequila and leaving project for husband. Note is only 9:30 a.m.

Begin tightening the three screws that do line up. Begin to think three screws are just fine.

Become incredibly frustrated drill/screwdriver has not magically grown smaller and (once again) will not fit in shelf, thus mandating all three screws will be tightened by hand.

As clock rises to meet the underside of counter, you will need the SuperMoist yellow cake mix. Jam box in.

Back left screw will continue pushing radio down. Jam half-empty bottle of margarita mix under radio. Note how it works just fine.

When all three screws are in, mutter many self-congratulations & replace the shelf liner & all the glasses. Plug in radio.

Set clock. Several times. Discover there is a military time feature. Turn off.

Wipe down all sawdust, put tools, tape dispenser, tower pieces & instructions away.

Note that headache has not gone away & in fact worsened through process.

Finally, put in new Madonna CD. Proceed to dance with your dog in the kitchen and feel very, very pleased. And know that if we ever sell this house, the $40 cd clock radio will be thrown in for $1,000. Extra. Because that's what it will take for me to reverse this entire process.
posted by PlazaJen, 12:20 PM