PlazaJen: Passion Knit

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Order within Chaos

To the untrained eye, I look like Chaos. Swirling, piling, heaps of unorganized STUFF. Martha Stewart would shudder indelicately at this Life Lived Untidily.
However. Within the chaotic storm still lies a deep-seated need for order. A little obsessive-compulsiveness surfaces every so often, much like a bluegill ripples the surface of the water as it eats the bug that has landed in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I have not done a good job of lunching this week. Today, I did not eat lunch, but instead consumed about 3 handfuls of Chex Mix, followed by an equal amount of mustard-flavored pretzels. Five minutes ago, I just poured a "serving" of Mike-N-Ikes out on my desk. And I was eating them two at a time, which is how I always eat candy at my desk: Gummi bears, Hot Tamales, all the chewy types. I lasted less than a minute, randomly grabbing pairs of bolus-shaped sugar bombs, and then all the flavors had to be sorted. Into like flavor groups, and paired up. The pairs are then eaten, in ascending order, from least-favorite flavor, to most favorite flavor. (each side of the mouth then has a symmetrical, candy-consuming experience.) I am not as obsessed with the M-n-I flavors as I am with gummis, or Starbursts, so it was less of a hierarchical structure to adhere to. Whew! When a certain pairing is off by one, then the odd-candy-out is paired up with the next flavor in the lineup. With M&M's, they are eaten by least favorite color to prettiest color.
I do not like juice from my beans to touch my pork chop. I don't go so far as to have cafeteria trays in my house, but I like things to occupy their own space and not drip into their neighbor's. It messes with the flavor & expectation for the eating experience.
I like consistency. I like having a known "base" for my expectations & experiences. There are always things that are uncertain, all these factors over which I have no control. Maybe pairing up my candy & creating some sort of "order" under which the candy is consumed is my effort to control my own universe......... wouldn't it be great if I challenged some of that energy into a little more cleaning?!?
Oh, and everyone on my team now thinks I'm utterly insane because I told them that I'm afraid to be around little people because I worry I will be compelled by some unknown force to try & pick them up. This is in the same drawer as the irrational fear that when I am around a police officer, I will lose all control & try to get his (her) gun out of their holster.
Now THAT would be spontaneous!

posted by PlazaJen, 4:28 PM