PlazaJen: Passion Knit

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Thursday Orts

1. The bridge collapse in Minneapolis - I can't even describe fully how I feel, but I know you all were equally horrified. I lived up there for five years, and it's still a place I miss. Given the time of day and the number of people who did survive, I guess we can only be grateful the tragedy wasn't as large as it could have been. Just bizarre.

2. I'm done with Clue 3 on MS3! Of course, Clue 5, and the mystery of the theme, are published tomorrow, so I'm still behind.

MS3, Progress Pic, natural light

3. All my childhood stuff and the precious few things I asked my father for before he died are arriving tomorrow. A family friend was already planning a trip to New Mexico and this worked out, almost miraculously. I don't even know what all is coming, beyond the list I had made. (List one. List two still has things on it and it's very uncertain if I'll get anything on that one. I'm trying not to think about being forced to decide if I'll buy back my parent's things, things I always believed I'd have until he changed his will. ugh.) I already feel my steel doors clanging shut. I got chided in the comments a while back for avoiding and not going THROUGH things - well, all I can say is, I'm getting through it the best I can, each day. And when I look back on the months when he was sick, and then the months that followed, how I felt - and believe me, I :felt: everything, there was no denial of emotion whatsoever - it was like crawling through a tar pit and then scaling a cliff. So now, I flinch at the first sight of tar or a sheer wall of rock, and I steel myself. I shut some of my defense doors, because I ran a marathon of grief, openly, freely, and only now do I feel like some of the muscles are beginning to heal. And yes, I am afraid. I am not ready to jump into the wading end of the tar pit. Or climb a practice rock wall. It feels like a horror movie, looking back. I wouldn't undo how I handled things - I wasn't capable of doing it any other way. I guess some people slap a smile on and pretend everything's fine, and I just wasn't able to do it. I still have anger. I spend each night before sleep, running through my anger issues, trying not to, but I'm unable to not FEEL it.
So. Welcome to the Jumble. Jumble of emotions.

4. We're about to get some self-defense training because there have been a rash of carjackings in the area near our office. I'm a little worried that the copper will be wearing a gun, because we all know my deep-seated irrational fear that I'll lose my mind and try to take his gun from him. Maybe this would be the perfect chance for me to ask if I could try! Put this fear to rest once and for all. Though getting taken down by the po-po in front of all my co-workers might be less than glamorous. I'll let you know.

5. A guy at work is having a birthday party - and he decided the theme would be Pirates and Ninjas. He's serving rum & sake. I totally would have gone but now he's going to Lollapalooza instead (whatEVER)so it's been rescheduled & we'll be out of town. Shoot! I'd have to go as a Ninja. Everyone would go with the Pirate, and I have to be different. Plus I have a LOT of black clothing.

I have more orts but the training session is about to start. If anything really awesome happens, I'll be sure to re-post later!


posted by PlazaJen, 9:35 AM