PlazaJen: Passion Knit

Oh my god, we are open this week (sortof), we had yesterday & Monday off, and we get Friday afternoon off, and these are going to be the longest days of my life. I have no idea why I dressed up today. Wait, that's a lie. I haven't done laundry in two weeks and my current cycle of clothing needs washing. In any event, I cannot wait for the minutes to sail by & I will run from the building. Wait, that's a lie, too. I don't run. I will, however, scamper. Quickly.

Garsh! Well, how are you doing? I am reminded of a book I had as a teenager that yelled at me, "When you're bored, you're boring to be around!" And that's how this blog entry sure feels. BO-ring. Not that life hasn't been interesting & good, or even painful and sad, because it's been all those things. There was a moment on Friday when all of James' family was in the house, plus our neighbor, and food was being eaten & stories were being told & voices rose & fell and air was inhaled and exhaled to laugh at what was being said and alone in the kitchen, I felt the infinity of the emptiness in me, that I will carry with me always, but it fell out of its moorings and dropped through the floor and into the ground and through the earth and into the universe, and the sadness of missing my dad and that cold reality faced me, that we will not gather and laugh and I just burst into tears. I am getting better at recovering quicker, but I sense that I will probably have a good cry here in the next few days or so, I've been hastily packing up how I feel and keeping it contained in my quarantine jar. My loneliness for him is exquisite. I think of the tree branches outside my childhood bedroom window, delicately overlapping their twigs, silhouetted against the sky. The shapes they formed, so thin, so tiny, so blurred in the dark, I could never capture them on paper, just in my mind. My feelings are similar. I can't find the exact arrangement of words to describe it, because it will never do it justice.

Anyway. One foot in front of the other, one minute begins anew as the previous one comes to a close. It's all we can do.