PlazaJen: Passion Knit

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Discombobulation Day

Man, I'm gonna sink into a depression if something upbeat & positive doesn't happen SOON! I can barely watch the footage of the aftermath of the tsunami, I keep checking the lists of Americans who died, because I'm terrified I'll see my co-worker Angela, who went home to Malaysia at the beginning of December, and now Jerry Orbach, my beloved Lenny from Law & Order has just died. Is this what getting older is all about? Surviving?
My father & his family left a day early, because he was in excruciating pain from his shoulder & he just wanted to get home (and to his chiropracter). I understand it, but it's disappointing. The time we had together was way too short, and I also realized partway through, my expectations for the time we'd spend together were far too grandiose. Not that I thought we'd be all Algonquin Round Table and sit around and talk non-stop, but I also didn't get time alone with him, really. It's like I expected the kinds of talks we have on the phone - but you can't get that because there's four other people sitting there & it's impolite to exclude them. And they're nice people, I just don't know them that well, two of them are teenagers, given to fits of apathy & silence.
James is gone through Sunday, he was barely here & we've had very little time together one-on-one with the holidays & family & his hunting - I miss him, even more today. Especially having awoken from a dream this morning in which he was having a torrid affair & using his duck hunting as a "cover". Putting that in print makes me laugh, but it's funny how our dreams take tiny grains of an idea, or insecurity, or even something you laughingly referenced, and blow them up into a full-scale movie production that leaves you sweaty & slightly dizzy when you stagger out of the theater of the mind.

So now is the point where I should really start to relax, right? I might just give myself the luxury of a nap, and then I'll decide if I'm going furniture shopping. I've got to clean up the house & do some grocery shopping - but right now, I just want there to be a little peace in the world. People to not die, people to be safe, happy, and in good health. I have a dog who loves to hug me, so that's a blessing I'll count. I have a husband who loves me & is off doing what he loves. I have a father who loves me & stays in my life - even from afar. I am going to trust that everything else will just be OK, & hope the nap shakes off some of my discombobulation!
posted by PlazaJen, 11:30 AM