PlazaJen: Passion Knit

I tell ya, the summer that Moby CD came out, the Wo and I just about wore that sucker out. I still remember the moment he played it for me, we were sitting in front of the video store in Clinton, about to head to the lake, and he wouldn't tell me who it was, and I heard my first official Moby album. And that haunting tune, Natural Blues, always floats back through my head when I'm stressed.... it wasn't a bad-stress day, just lots of work and whack-a-mole situations, and when I don't leave the building at all - eat at my desk, take a 30-minute lunch, the day just stretches out for what feels like forever.

One of my co-workers asked me how my weekend was, and specifically, how yesterday was. Father's Day. I appreciated the care & concern, and I was honest - it was ok. The weekend before was harder, and I guess it's probably always going to be like that. A "holiday" just is a reminder, more empty and fabricated, like a papier-mache egg - the anniversary of his death has rawness, sadness, memory and wreckage. She nodded, she understood - it was nice. A change from the stricken awkwardness, uncomfortableness, stiffness.

My Father's Day was nice. Breakfast with my husband, then Beth & I spent a chunk of the day getting pedicures, and shopping, and having lunch, and just... being. My auntie is coming this Thursday, and we'll have good chats, she'll give me great advice & perspective, and we'll celebrate Momma Linda's birthday this weekend (it was last weekend, but we'll celebrate it this weekend...) Hopefully all our plumbing issues will be fixed as well, and we'll have a smidgen of order, until some baffle whacks against the axis of life and we adjust, and adapt, and move on. Oddly enough, it was my mother who caused some tears this weekend - the parallels between her and Celia from Weeds are shocking - but she won't control me - and heaven forbid I stop watching Weeds! That show is awesome. I'm 100% addicted to Showtime On Demand.... First season of Weeds, the new show Meadowlands, I also watched a few Brotherhoods ..... iControl is a lovely, lovely thing. I. Control. I could weave a better parallel here, but it's getting late & I'm stress-sleepy.

Natural Blues. Our bruises fade, but the ones inside, the ones that reach our soul, they never leave us. It's learning how to touch them, how not to poke them, how sometimes they poke back, that's the challenge. I'm learning, clumsily at times. Life and Death, the most natural things in the universe. And Grief? It is the hardest bicycle of all to learn to ride. One pedal? Some days, the damn thing doesn't even have tires or handlebars.

Labels: grief, life, stress