PlazaJen: Passion Knit

Saturday, October 23, 2004

When I Rule The World

There will be a lot of rules.
1. You will have to be able to speak English. If you want to have other languages and do some chatty thing in said other languages, you go right ahead. However, if I need tech support or am calling to ask if your store carries food dehydrators, then you better understand what the hell I'm talking about.
2. There will be excessively strict customer service rules, and while the customer will always be right, we will also guarantee you will have your luggage shipped to Japan if you throw a hissy fit or behave overly selfishly. At the very least, the underpant gnomes will be sent to your home and you will have either no undies or undies that bind, itch or wedge.
3. You will know what the fuck a food dehydrator is, despite the fact you think Doritos are a food group and that the news on tv is real.
4. There will be no motorcycle cops, except for those escorting me at lightning speeds where I need to go, or if there is a need for a motorcade.
5. There will be no managers who have not passed the PlazaJen Management Aptitude Test, wherein you will be asked seriously difficult questions like, "Do you solve this problem by a) committee? b) ignoring the problem? c) delegating responsibility? or d) figuring it the fuck out and talking to the little guy." Anyone who answers a, b, or c? They will be sent to a special island that they can NEVER get voted off of, and they will also not be getting a Pringles & beer party for any reason whatsoever.
6. There will be healthcare for everyone, and weekly massages if you've been Good. At no additional cost to you. Good will be defined by volunteerism, karma-building, and other quantifiable, measurable gold stars.
7. The work week will be adjusted. I haven't figured it all out yet, but there will be at least one more day for weekends every week. There will also be mandatory holidays and like those smart European countries, a time where half the country shuts down & stops working. I'm serious. There are too few workers doing the job of many, for no more pay and for absolutely no sense of security in their jobs. I think this is cranking everybody's stress out of control, and it's not scientific, but I think it explains part of the reason why we're a country of angry, responsibility-rejecting, obese, depressed, frustrated people who are snapping more and more.
8. If you want to drive an SUV, you will have to submit a request, justifying why you need one. Poor grammar and typos automatically disqualify you.
9. Everyone gets breaks. You can make yours knitting, or smoking, or snacking, but everyone gets one, 2x a day.
10. Celebrities will no longer be defined by the Stupid Machine. We will have a wide variety of role models & people to admire & look up to, and I guess if I were you, Paris, I'd start studying Hotel & Motel Management, because you're going to need some actual skills beyond porn & partying.

It will be a good Commonwealth of Jen. I promise. And I've approved this message. In the meantime, vote for change on November 2.

posted by PlazaJen, 12:03 PM