PlazaJen: Passion Knit

Saturday, October 16, 2004

I'm so Lucky.

I did some forensic surfing this morning & happened upon the blog of I guy I went out with before I met James. Curiousity killed the cat & all that, but I think why the mind pursues such avenues is to remind the mind that all is well. I won't lie & say I still don't wish that guy'd trip & fall into a sticker bush only to discover an angry porcupine residing under the sticky bush branches. I went into all of my relationships in life with an optimistic attitude, and it sometimes prevented me from seeing that I was the one being used - and with all that said, I've spent more time remembering that experience than I meant to. Suffice it to say, I was simply a luscious burst of purple butterfly bush that he fluttered onto, all the while reminding his former girlfriend how much she really wanted him back. Lies Lies Lies Yeah, they're gonna getchoo! It just hit me, though - he was the supposed Buddhist (ha!) - so it's really bad karma for him, I think my sticker bush justice might actually pan out. What I'm really saying here is: I am lucky. I am one of those people who live life shouting out loud, colorfully, doing what I want & being a passionate sort of person. Not a lot of smoke & mirrors, and nobody's really ever said behind my back, "That girl's such an....enigma!" But my deepest, profoundest feelings of love are not something I tap into often, because it's just there, running along through my veins all the time, and sort of like depression, if can be overwhelming if the current surges. But today, I let myself feel just how overwhelmingly in love with James I am, and with that feeling comes that fear of "Oh God, please do not take this away from me ever because I surely couldn't stand it and it would be like ripping out half the muscles in my body, I would be so broken." I am gonna sob like a baby at this wedding today, because I'm so happy. I'm so happy I have a love worth risking the loss of half the muscles in my body. Happy for Cindy & Sean, of course, too. But I'm selfish right now, and I'm happy, and (whoa, who ever says this?) I'm grateful that I got kicked to the curb & duped when I was, because it made me open & free to meeting JWo. My Jwo. Who, right now, is building us a headboard so our bedroom can finally start looking like a real room, not a room in which two teenagers don't know how to pick up any of their clothes. MWAH! I kiss you JWo, and thank you with every fiber of my being for being able to open your own heart up to me and seeing what the next Spring would bring us.

posted by PlazaJen, 10:01 AM