PlazaJen: Passion Knit

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Waiting Room

I feel like I'm in the Land of Indecision and Delays; my dad started chemo on Friday, and it's hitting him pretty hard, very tired & he was already weakened from all the radiation. I'm anxious for things to start WORKING. Things at work are kind of in a suspended state, waiting for things to happen and be approved and waiting for the next project to hit. We're also waiting on so many things with work - if we're moving, what happens next, etc. Then, most of the projects at home are done & I've been a little OCD about keeping up with the dishes & tidying up. It feels like a combination of calm-before-the-storm, peaceful-moment/impending-something-or-other-undefined, and I HATE IT, because I know I'm suffering from the delusion that if I can control every minute detail within arm's reach, then perhaps the rug won't be yanked out from under me when I'm not looking. It makes me snappish, which feels inconsistent with having a clean house, laundry underway, projects at work done, things humming along. Some might say I'm borrowing trouble; I should just enjoy the peace and live in the moment. Some might say I'm a control freak. Some might be really right on all counts.

Excellent. Something new (well, it's really an old theme) for me to work on. I've never been good at letting go - of things that make me mad, of things that hurt, of things and people I love and treasure. I keep hearing the words, "I just don't know" in my head and it's my own purgatory, my own hamster wheel, my waiting room for what will unfold. My goal today is to turn it off, shut the door, move along.
posted by PlazaJen, 10:25 AM