PlazaJen: Passion Knit

Sunday, April 30, 2006


Both of my parents gave me strength of spirit, stubbornness and an iron-clad grip on what is right. Most of this came from my father, but I would be remiss to not acknowledge my mother's own determination and inability to let go of things, since I see that within me.

The appointment at Mayo has not yet been made. My father is in pain and on so much medicine. I was raised without television, and I never saw the incredible Hulk cartoon? But today, I felt like that cartoon, if I just gripped my fists tightly enough, I would explode out of my own skin, and I would carry him on my back to that clinic and put him in the hands of someone who might be able to fix him. I already know and see the rage inside me, peeking out, slipping through at a bad driver, an easy target, a stupid salesperson. And so tomorrow, I will be on the phone. To his doctors, to the Mayo clinic, whatever it takes. I am so used to getting things done, moving plans into place, resolving crises or problems, and I have hit my limit. I cannot allow myself to care if this upsets anyone, anymore. I have waited for three weeks and in that short span, I have hit abject despair and felt the relief of a joyful hope. I am a forceful, driven person with great inner strength and a tenacity that I have always felt I have kept in check, hidden away, lest it keep people away from me; I have always felt that part of me to be frightening, like the intensity and roar of a lion. I also know I can be very, very weak. I can be consumed with pain and grief and negativity. But the chips are down, I can be strong, my mind is clear, my heart is filled with such love, such great, great love, and I cannot be the child any longer.

Right now I feel like the rage and the passion and the strength are swirling, so much I could bend a spoon just by looking at it. I imagine the phone lines are going to bend a little tomorrow. Wish me luck & hope; I have the fortitude to launch an army, I just want, NEED, require that things get done - and fast.
posted by PlazaJen, 10:13 PM