PlazaJen: Passion Knit

No, I'm not discovering some untapped love of Clay Aiken. I'm talking about how we ultimately are valued in this world, in this finite amount of time on this earth.Is it the work we do? Is it the mistakes we make? Is it our character, our ethics, our religion, the car we drive, how much money we make? Granted, I am writing this with the remnants of bitterness still around my gills, and I can't go into all the details, but suffice it to say, in the giant game of life, I am Charlie Brown a hell of a lot more often than I'm Lucy Van Pelt.

My mistake is that I believe people are good. I still do believe that, but I think what I fail to remember is that people are flawed, and there are flawed people who can only direct their feelings & actions outwardly, seemingly without regard for the fact they are hurting other people to make themselves feel better. It's as though they are keeping some invisible score, X! Check one for me, I found a mistake and I threw it in your face. Sorry, Charlie Brown, you're flat on your back again. YOU'RE NOT PERFECT Charlie Brown and I will never let you forget it. It would not surprise me if this was how Lucy's parents treated her....

I will tell you when those times have happened to me, and the sky is over me & the earth hard under my back, I feel my jaw harden. I beat myself up for anything I did to contribute to the mistake & situation. I replay every moment like a slow-mo Olympic camera crew, flinching every time the mistake happens. I joked tonight that I'm the best at beating myself over the head, and it's true because I used to be six feet tall. (I'm short - 5'3")

But I'm rapidly learning that beating myself up truly isn't the solution. I do make mistakes. I will continue to make mistakes. The first step I can do to break the above cycle is to forgive myself. I believe one true measure of a person isn't how they behave when everything's "right" - it's how they handle crisis, mistakes, problems. The person who chooses a benevolent route, one with forgiveness & understanding, that is the person I wish to be, and the people I wish to have around me. And no, Lucy, I don't feel like playing football today.