PlazaJen: Passion Knit

James and I both have put Deluxe Hamster Wheels into our minds, and they are so large, (and shiny! The chrome is just incredible! Leather trim and everything) it's hard to find any other space to just BE in our heads. I am speaking for him, because even though our wheels may not be the exact same model, I know completely what he's going through & how difficult they are to extricate oneself from.

Today, my mind skips along like a smooth flat rock on a clear, mirror-surfaced pond. My Hazelden gift of the day reminded me to "Let go, and let God." Hey, I'm all for it, I'll let Elmo take over at this point, the challenge is to unclench my mighty knitting-strong fists from the hamster guard rails. So I said it, over and over in my mind, and immediately started changing it. "Let go and let Goddess." Hm. "Let go, and let GREEN Goddess!" Yum! I love that salad dressing. Boy it's been a long time since I had some. Huh. Yeah, and it was one of my dad's favorites, too, and WHEN WHEN WHEN will all roads stop leading back there? I've braced myself for this commercialized, celebrated weekend, one I'd orginally planned to go home and give him knitted socks, now I've winced and ignored all the blaring reminders to get Dad something good for Father's Day, but I wasn't prepared for the salad dressing. And there are a million other things out there, I know, I see him in everything, I hear him in me when I say something sarcastic, and I know, I KNOW this is a way of treasuring him, but I just keep waiting for those moments to feel more like melancholy, more of a wistful smile maybe, not tears streaming down my face AGAIN. I also know I can't rush it, it would only result in shutting down, and then that'll come back around much later to bite me in the ass. But I want to rush it and so that's why I climb on the hamster wheel, the illusion of something to DO.

Well, I'm going to try to stay off the wheel today, and maybe I'll just keep saying "Let go & let Green Goddess" until I laugh.